One Twisted Kid

It’s a day later than I said it would be, but here you go. Part two of an interview I did for a UBC student’s research paper. This part includes some of the more heated questions about homophobic lines in battle rap.

I wrote a bit of preamble in part one, so let’s get right into the Q&A.

More Questions and More Answers

Almost every, if not every single battle I’ve seen has involved attempts to undermine the masculinity of one or both of the competitors, usually through associations with homosexuality. Do you think a lack of a homosexual presence in the community has led to this being a universal, almost go-to line of attack? Would that change if there was a larger presence in the scene?

I don’t think that a lack of homosexual presence has much to do with it. Rather, I think it’s the sense of humour of those involved in the scene. Look at the kinds of things we say outside of gay jokes: lines about raping someone’s girlfriend, performing horrible sexual acts with their mother, killing them as sadistically as possible, and so on. All of these lines are meant to be funny.

Battling appeals to people who have a crude and twisted sense of humour. Gay jokes are just one part of that. If you look at television shows with the same kind of humour – South Park, for instance – homosexuals are often the butt of the joke there as well. I think that homophobic content stands out more in battling because of the masculine posturing involved. But the intent is really to make people laugh (at your opponent’s expense, of course).

Crude humour will always be a part of battling. If there were to be a homosexual presence in the scene, it would have to be from gay people who are just as comfortable laughing at their own sexuality as they are laughing at jokes about someone defiling their dead mother.

Considering the general playfulness and lack of hostility within the battle rap scene, do you feel an out homosexual could feel welcome within it? Would homosexual battle rappers enter on the same level as straight rappers, or would their minority status put them at a large disadvantage from the beginning?

It depends on which particular battle scene they were involved in. There is a famous series of rap battles held in Oakland called Tourettes Without Regrets. If you watch the Fresh Coast documentary, battle champ TheSaurus talks about how that event typically draws a very gay-friendly crowd. Anyone who uses the word “faggot” at Tourettes gets booed off the stage.

The documentary also includes footage of a battle between TheSaurus and a rapper dressed as a sailor, who delivers his verses with a lisp. In that instance, you can see how the “gay” rapper actually had an advantage, since his stance forced TheSaurus to make gay jokes that would play to a gay-friendly crowd. (TheSaurus did just that by the way, and won the battle.)

That being said, there are other battle scenes where homosexuals would certainly be at a disadvantage from the start. An openly gay battler would probably not get such a warm welcome at a King of the Dot event. However, the great thing about battles is that a handicap can always be turned into an advantage, if you’re creative and skilled enough to flip it around on your opponent.

If you were to battle an out homosexual, how would you approach your battle differently? Would your verses focus on his homosexuality, or would the truth of those statements take away their power in the context of a battle? Is it possible to hit too close to home with your insults?

Yes, I would take a different approach if I were battling a gay guy, because I take a different approach for every opponent. And I would definitely focus on his sexuality, just as I focus on the stand-out characteristics of anyone I battle.

However, I would need to be a lot more creative in my writing than the typical “you suck dick” lines. What you said is correct: the fact that he does indeed suck dick would take away any impact those lines might have. The truth is not funny when plainly stated. But I’m confident I could come up with a surprising and hilarious angle of attack.

Epilogue

So that wraps up the interview. There was one other interesting point that the interviewer mentioned in his emails to me. He had also sent some questions to Dappa Dan Midas, the rapper who presented himself as the first openly gay battler (see his battle against A-Class, also linked in my previous post).

Midas told the interviewer that he is in fact not gay at all. He pretended to be in the A-Class battle because there were rumors about his sexuality circulating in the local scene, and he wanted to play to that.

This is not entirely a new tactic. I remember in the 06 WRCs, when Presence spit a rebuttal that was something like: “Yes, I am gay, you can suck my dick for real.” Putting aside the homophobia issue for a second, let’s look at these lines from a tactical perspective.

Is calling yourself gay a good strategy? It has shock value, to be sure. But beyond that, I don’t see where a battle rapper could really go with it. As I said in my last post battling is about degrading your opponent as a rapper and as a person. Unless pretending to be gay helps accomplish this, it’s not a good idea.

But who knows. Maybe someone will come up with a really clever, dope, hard-hitting line that casts themselves as homosexual. If any battlers are reading this, consider that a challenge.

At the beginning of the week, I received an email from a University of BC student named Michael. He wanted to know if he could interview me for an assignment he was writing. The focus of his paper is “homosexual slurs in hip-hop lyrics”, particularly organized rap battles.

He linked me to a battle that I had heard of but not yet watched, where A-Class faces someone named Dappa Dan Midas. It appears that Midas is the first openly gay battle rapper. Although it’s also possible that he was just acting the part for the battle.

Anyway, I wrote some long answers to a bunch of questions about gay jokes in battle rap. I thought I would post them here.

I’ve broken it into two parts. This part is mostly setup, with the questions on homophobia and so on coming in part two.

Questions and Answers

It seems to me that there is a much stronger emphasis on snaps and punchlines in the battle rap scene than rhythm or strict lyricism.  In the videos with interviews with the judges, and often even the competitors, the focus of recollection is always to clever lines.  Would you agree?  As your performing a cappella, how much time do you spend working out a flow to your verses, as opposed to witty put downs?

To say that battling focuses on snaps and punchlines more than lyricism is a bit of an oversimplification. Clever lines have always been an integral part of lyricism in hip-hop. I think that all aspects of lyricism – cleverness, rhyme schemes, rhythm, originality – are weapons that can win a battle.

The goal is to degrade your opponent as a rapper and as a person. Technical rapping skill helps you degrade them as a rapper, by showing how much more talented you are. But in order to degrade them as a person, you need to have content that insults them directly. In certain circles, one of these aspects is valued more than another, but to me a great battler has to do both.

Personally, I work on the flow to my verses a lot. I know that’s one of my weaknesses. I probably spend more time thinking up good lines, but that part comes naturally to me. Flow and delivery are things that I am much more conscious of WORKING at.

Your battle opponents have a pretty clear route of attack against you, as I’m sure you’re well aware.  Most of their lines reference your being white, your being thin, the way you dress and the way you style your hair.  They are largely appearance based, and well-worn territory.  It seems that the challenge for your opponents is less in discovering what to attack, but rather discovering new ways to do it.  Does this put you at an advantage or disadvantage?  Meaning, does it help your own snaps, or possibly help preconceive flips, knowing how your opponent will likely go after you or is it a hole that you need to climb out of?

There are obvious go-to angles for any battle rapper. For TheSaurus, it’s his acne scars. For Dumbfoundead, it’s Asian jokes. For me, it’s being a skinny nerd with a weird haircut. I don’t think I’m at any more of an advantage or disadvantage than anyone else in that regard.

In terms of coming up with completely original material versus new takes on the expected angle, that’s always an issue. It was something I struggled with when preparing for Dumb. The crowd expected me to do Asian jokes. That’s what they were primed to laugh at. I could choose to play that up, and win the crowd right away, or come with something out of left field and risk losing them.

Interestingly, in that same battle Dumb came with some very original stuff casting me as a wannabe Asian. Those lines, while excellent, did not get nearly the same reaction as his more standard quips about my looks. So you can see why so many battlers are unwilling to be completely original. (And I give Dumb huge props for taking the risk.)

As far as preconceiving flips, everyone has done that at some point. I don’t bother any more. My best flips always come to me in the spur of the moment. That way I’m directly responding to what my opponent said, rather than twisting a premeditated concept to fit.

That aforementioned route of attack is entirely based on your minority status within the battle rap community.  You are labeled as an outcast.  In watching your battle with Fresco, in which you deliver what is essentially a hip hop history lesson, it looks as though you are attempting to cement your belonging in the scene.  Is this a common goal for your verses?  For instance, if you were to battle a black rapper, how likely would you be to undermine their belonging or “blackness” with your verses?

I don’t think I’m labeled as an outcast at all, actually. The only time I’ve ever experienced any animosity or weird looks because of my appearance was at the very first battle I attended. And as soon as I rapped, that went away.

Here’s the thing about the hip-hop “history lesson” I gave Fresco: it was a joke. There are few people on the planet more annoying than hip-hop elitists. I personally don’t care what music Fresco has or hasn’t listened to. But I do happen to know more about rap music than him, and I knew that was a card I could play to my advantage in a room full of rap listeners.

The thought of me trying to undermine someone’s “blackness” is a bit silly. What if my “black” opponent had been born and raised in Toronto by Jamaican immigrants? How about if they were from an affluent family in West Virginia? Even when playing on racist stereotypes, I try to not be completely ignorant about someone’s background. You’ll notice that I made fun of Dumb for being Korean, and not Chinese.

Also, the notion of inclusion or exclusion in hip-hop by a criteria of “blackness” is a fallacy. My sense of belonging in the international battle scene comes from attending events, meeting people, and performing well enough to earn respect. Just as it would in any other musical or artistic scene.

To Be Continued

I figure that’s enough words to read for now. Come back Monday for part two, which is potentially a bit more controversial.

A few months ago, Sarah and I discovered a British TV show called Skins. With some help from the Internet we caught up on all 3 seasons. We then followed every episode of the 4th season. The season finale was last Monday.

The show itself is kind of like Degrassi with nymphomania on acid. Like any series about high school kids, it can often be quite corny. But if you enjoy watching teenagers fight, drink, fuck, do drugs, die, talk in British slang, and suffer severe mental disorders, then this is the show for you.

(Sidenote: Eurgh told me that the show is massively popular in the UK. He also told me that Jack O’Connell, who plays Cook, attended a Don’t Flop event back in February. Which is awesome.)

Over the course of the past week, two things have happened to me that were strangely connected to Skins.

The first was an email from Benjamin Scheuer. He read my last post about clarity, and sent me some astute thoughts on the topic. To illustrate his point, he referenced a play he had written entitled Jihad! The Musical.

Strangely enough, in the second season of Skins the kids put on a production called Osama: The Musical. Seeing as how Benjamin’s play first showed in Edinburgh in 2007, I am certain that this was an intentional reference. I told this to Benjamin. He said that he had never heard of the series before.

The second thing happened last Saturday night. Sarah and I went to the birthday party of a friend from university. Also in attendance were members of an Irish band who had been staying in Toronto. The band they are in is called Nightbox. (As their bassist told me, “it’s a pretty shit name.”)

One of the subjects that we talked about with the Irish musicians was our mutual love of Skins. Another was Don’t Flop. They said that they had never heard of the league, but asked me if I knew an Irish rapper named Redzer.

Who is, of course, the president of Don’t Flop Ireland.

They went on to say that Redzer has had a lot of success on their side of the pond. He’s earned respect by rapping in his full-on accent and not watering it down. He’s also noted for continuing to live in the projects where he grew up, but driving around in a Mercedes. Just like an American rapper!

I don’t have much of a point in writing this. I’m sure there’s a conclusion to be drawn about modern pop culture, the world becoming smaller, and how all artistic pursuits – from television to musical theatre to battle rapping – are related on some level.

Actually, that’s a pretty good conclusion on its own. Sick bruv.

I’ve noticed that the “Books and Writing” link in the sidebar to your right has a low number beside it. It’s time to increase that number with another post.

The more I write, the more I realize that writing is all about clarity. This is true regardless of form. Whether I’m working on my novel, an assignment for my job, this blog, or verses for a battle, the goal is the same: communicate an idea as clearly as possible.

This is harder than it sounds. I have recently begun working on the second draft of my novel. To prepare for this revision, I forced several people to read the first draft and give me feedback. One of my friends commented that many parts of the manuscript were “overwritten.”

What he meant was that I used too many adverbs and semicolons. In retrospect, I did this to try and sound clever. The novel is supposed to be funny. I wanted everyone who read it to notice just how funny and clever and awesome I am.

The problem is that my cleverness often clutters the idea that I’m trying to communicate. After thinking about my friend’s comment, I went back through the manuscript and circled every single adverb and semicolon I could find.

I plan to cut at least 90% of them.

Let me give an example to show you why I’m planning to do this. Note that this is an extreme case that I made up for illustrative purposes. I’m not actually this bad at writing. (I hope.)

Here is a sentence that might have been in the first draft of my novel:

Suddenly, the man raised his hunting knife, and menacingly pressed its tip against my bare throat.

Here is the second draft:

The man pressed his knife to my throat.

It’s understandable why I might have written the longer sentence on my first try. I wanted the reader to grasp the danger of the situation. They needed to understand just how sudden and menacing the knife-guy’s actions are.

But strangely enough, the second sentence has more menace to it. Words don’t just communicate through their literal meaning. The arrangement of them, the rhythm, the style all communicate just as strongly.

The sentence that is shorter and clutter-free communicates the immediacy of the situation. The quickness of the action. The original version mentions that the knife was raised “menacingly”, but the revision gives the reader a sense of that menace by getting straight to the point. (Pun intended? You decide!)

This same principle can be applied to battle verses as well. Many people complain that needlessly complex, multi-syllabic rhyme schemes are “corny” and “biting TheSaurus”. Which might be true, but it’s not the real problem.

The worst thing about this approach  is that it does not communicate clearly. Battle rappers will often twist the English language to fit a scheme, to the point where their meaning is lost.

Who is the “X-men monster name that’s Logan”? I can figure out what you meant to say, I guess. But why not go with “Wolverine”? Everyone will immediately know what you’re talking about. Which gives it impact. Which makes it a better punchline.

I understand why battlers do this. They want you to know how smart and good at rhyming they are. Unfortunately, spitting silly nonsensical rhymes has the opposite effect. Just like trying to be too clever when writing a story.

I’m not saying this is a hard and fast rule. Multi-syllabic schemes have their place, as do adverbs and semicolons. The key is knowing how and (most importantly) when to use them.

You should ask yourself: does this “menacingly” or seven-syllable rhyme give my sentence more impact? Does it make my meaning more clear?

If it does, well, good for you. But I would suspect that it does not.

Happy Hangover Day! I hope you had a productive St. Patrick’s night and destroyed many brain cells. As we all soothe our aching heads, I will attempt to use mine to give you thoughts on a battle.

You probably know that Hollohan vs TheSaurus happened at the KOTD Volume 14 event I wrote about in my last post. As you can see in the video, I was one of the judges in this battle. I voted for TheSaurus. So did the other 3 judges.

After rewatching the battle several times, I agree with my breakdown in the interview. I still believe that TheSaurus got rounds 1 and 3, and Hollo took round 2. Round 1 was the most clearcut victory for Saurus, so let me go into detail about the other two.

Both of these rounds highlight an aspect of battling that I’ve been thinking about recently: when telling the truth doesn’t work, and conversely, how to make complete lies believable.

Where Saurus Slipped Up

TheSaurus’s second round reminded me a lot of my own second round against Hollohan. We both based the entire round on a single concept, and both concepts stemmed from factual information. (Of course, TheSaurus’s verse was 100x better than mine, but let’s not focus on that.)

A large part of TheSaurus’s strategy was quoting lines that Hollo said in his battles with Don Juan and Lavish Language. These lines had a bit of a queer tinge, to say the least. But, even though the quotes were real, I felt as though the plan of attack fell flat.

Here’s the thing: Hollohan knew those lines were gay. It’s not as if he thought of a line about his penis and a guy’s sphincter and thought, “Hey, what an un-homosexual thing to say.” He knew how it sounded, and (for whatever reason) he decided to play that card.

When someone purposely says something gay, simply pointing out that it sounded gay is not that good of an insult.

A similar factor was at play in my second verse to Hollohan. Everything I said – living with a teenager and her parents, smoking heroin, the tranny blowjob – was based on stories that Hollo himself had posted on the old Halifamous forums.

(Fun fact: these are the same forums Hollo talked about Drect signing up for in his own second verse.)

As you can tell from my closer in that round, I thought that recounting these stories would rattle Hollohan. Which was moronic. Why would he get rattled, when he had been the one to publicly post them in the first place? I consider this my worst strategic move ever.

The reason why I lost that round is the same reason I feel TheSaurus lost the second round of this battle. Talking about someone’s questionable sexuality and drug use is just not effective when they themselves joke about it, and clearly do not give a fuck.

Where Hollohan Slipped Up

This brings us to the third round. Saurus came back with a solid, hard-hitting verse. Hollohan responded by claiming that he writes Pat Stay’s shit, writes Illmaculate’s shit who writes TheSaurus’s shit, and inspired TheSaurus to do a double-time verse.

You can tell from the crowd reactions they didn’t find these claims believable. This is what I think cost him the battle.

For all I know, everything Hollo said is completely true. It may seem that him writing for Illmac is far-fetched. But believe me when I say you would be very, very surprised to learn who has fed who lines. This claim is entirely plausible.

The problem is Hollohan didn’t sell it. If you watch the TheSaurus vs Illmac battle to which he was referring, Marvwon makes a great comment in his judge interview. He says that even if Illmac didn’t write those lines for TheSaurus, he made it sound true.

In a battle, that’s what counts. It doesn’t matter if you’re spitting complete lies. As long as you make them believable, they can get you the win.

Hollo didn’t lose the third round because he lied. He lost it because he didn’t sell those lines to the crowd. Neither the idea of him writing for Illmac or the idea of him inspiring TheSaurus really seemed true. It sounded like even he didn’t believe what he was saying.

My point is that even if something is true, just pointing it out may not work in a battle. And even if something is not true, you can say it in a way that hits hard.

It’s not about truth. It’s about believability.

A Final Thought

In perusing the other Internet commentary on this battle, something occured to me. I am probably the only person on the planet who could almost overshadow a Hollohan vs TheSaurus title match by getting a haircut.

That’s pretty badass.

Before I jump into the real topic of this post, let me direct you to some battle-related hilarity that happened over the weekend. First, KOTD’s resident asshole Loe Pesci released two blogs in the lead-up to his Grand Prix battle with Mischief. This one makes a pretty funny point about a Mischief line. But the second blog is the real gold. I can’t even describe it. You need to see it for yourself.

Secondly, Sykull made some insomnia-fueled prank calls that he posted over at MC Battle Blog. Both calls involve Grind Time rappers, and both will make you piss yourself.

Onto the subject at hand. King of the Dot Volume 14 happened on Saturday. The battles included the Grand Prix quarterfinals, as well as the highly anticipated matchups of Soul Khan vs Aspire and The Saurus vs Hollohan. It was the best KOTD event by far. And one of the best battle events I’ve attended, period.

I’ll save my commentary on specific matches for when the videos drop. This post will be a collection of random thoughts about the event.

Judging People is Hard

I judged every single battle at this event. In the past, I have judged a few battles here and there, but certainly none that were as important or competitive as the ones on Saturday. Writing blogs that critique someone’s performance after the fact is easy. Making a split-second call about who won in the heat of the moment is fucking tough.

That being said, I think that the judging went very well this event. The first battle of the day was settled by a 3-1 decision, with me being the one judge who voted for the loser. I was worried that would start a trend. But I agreed with every other decision that was made.

There was only one instance in which, looking back, I feel that I personally voted wrong. Luckily that battle went to overtime and the better rapper won in the end.

I will say that the KOTD judging system puts a hell of a lot of pressure on the judge to make a call, one way or the other. There are several times I would have pussied out and went for OT, if the option were available. But being forced to make a decision, I was able to. And I think it was usually the right one.

So even after judging some of the most nerve-wracking battles (for both rappers and judges) in KOTD history, I still think our judging system is the best. Not perfect, but the best. Like democracy!

The MTV Shit

As I mentioned in my last post, MTV asked me to do an interview and prepare a short verse for the event. After brainstorming ideas throughout the week, I decided: I’m a battle rapper. Disrespecting people is what I’m good at.

So what else could I do, besides write an entire 16 insulting every single host on MTV Canada?

In retrospect, I could have done something else. Perhaps something they would even consider airing on their station. Since this verse will almost certainly never see the light of day, I’m including the lyrics below. I would hate to have the hour I spent writing this on Friday go to waste.

(Note that this is specifically about MTV Canada. Non-Canadians probably won’t get the jokes, so I’ve included links throughout the verse to explain. Click them if you’re so inclined.)

Tune into MTV, for celebrity hot scoops
And more quality political coverage than Fox News
But the hosts actually suck
Tell Daryn Jones start packing his stuff and go back to the Buzz
And I HATE Dan Levy, you bland preppy damn Trekkie
Just quit and leave the job to a real man – Jessi
But I can’t say the other music station’s iller
Cause MTV does not employ Leah Miller
Yuck, the programmers have a challenging role
Like how many reality shows can you cram in a row?
I’ll make a quick reassessment
And turn My Life As Liz into an episode of Sixteen And Pregnant
We prove Canadians can rap beside the nicest
Shouts to Shad, Ghetto Socks, Classified, D-Sisive
But when it comes to battles, I protect our country’s rep
I’m like Sidney Crosby, I bring Americans to sudden death

EASY

I didn’t really say “Easy.” But I wish I had. You’ll also notice I gave a shout out to the more deserving rappers I mentioned in my last post. With any luck MTV will actually play that part. Although it’s the one line I didn’t nail when I spit it. Sigh.

Big thanks to Gary Hampton for being a stand-up guy and putting this all together. Although he said the verse probably won’t air, he also said that he liked it and it would be fun to play around the office. Which makes me feel awesome.

A Story From Soul Khan

(Special thanks to Soul Khan for letting me post this. You are a scholar and a gentleman.)

My favourite part of the day came after the battles were over, and I got a minute to kick it with Soul Khan and The Saurus. Soul told me what is hands down the best battle story I have ever heard. I’m going to try and retell it here, although without Soul’s dead-on impersonations it won’t be quite as good.

As you may know, Soul Khan recently did a URL battle where he obliterated a rapper named Deacon Frost. After the battle went online, he got a call from one of the URL organizers. The guy said that he had someone on the phone who wanted to talk to Soul. Soul asked him who it was.

It was fucking Scarface.

The first thing that Face said when he got on the phone was, “Yo, it wasn’t right how you did that kid.”

From what I gathered the rest of the conversation went something like this:

Face: “So you’re rich, right?”

Soul: “No. Not at all.”

Face: “But you got Bar Mitzvah-ed?”

Soul: “Yeah.”

Face: “You must be rich then. Motherfuckers be giving out crazy money at those.”

Soul: “I mean yeah, but I was 13. I didn’t like invest it or anything.”

If I hadn’t been laughed out from a day of quality battles, I would have died right there. This is why I will always remain a part of hip-hop, no matter how far my listening tastes may stray. Our heroes are just better than theirs.

I guarantee Thom Yorke has never called a young indie rock artist to talk about their Bar Mitzvah.

On Tuesday, my buddy Sykull posted an article about Paperwerks on his MC Battle Blog site. The article talks about how Paper is one of the few rappers in Grind Time who makes technical prowess at rapping the cornerstone of his performance. Not punchlines, or comedy, but flat out rapping. As a fan of Paper myself, I have to agree.

But it got me thinking: what the hell kind of rapping have I been doing?

There are two opportunities that have arisen recently for me to perform outside of the standard battle format. The first one came after an interview that Organik and I did for Canadian Musician Magazine. The interviewer was a guy named Luther Mallory, who also happens to be the lead singer of Crush Luther.

Last week, Luther asked me if I would be willing to spit some verses in a YouTube clip to help promote his new music video. (Which you can watch here. See, I helped already!) Since he had done KOTD a solid by giving us our first mainstream media coverage, I said, “Sure.”

Then, two days ago, I got an email from MTV Canada. They’re going to be filming a piece on KOTD at the event this Saturday, and I am one of the people they were hoping to interview. They also asked if I could prepare a short verse that mentions MTV News in some way. I said, “Sure.”

After agreeing to do these things, I realized that the last time I spit a written acapella to a camera was before the WRC battles in Toronto. Obviously I’ve done a lot of rapping in battles. But I’ve always relied on the crowd to react to my jokes, and carry along the energy of the performance.

Without crowd reactions, I have only my abilities as a rapper to make something sound dope. And I’m not sure how good I am at rapping anymore.

I’m not trying to downplay my accomplishments. I know I’m a good battler. I can write verses in the setup-punchline format like nobody’s business. But can I structure a fluid verse on a single topic and deliver it with rhythm, cadence, and conviction? I was never really good at those things in the first place. Which is why I quit making music.

It makes me feel like a bit of a fraud. There are many talented rappers in Canada with an impressive catalogue of songs (see: Shad, D-Sisive, Ghetto Socks, Classified). They all deserve a spot on MTV a lot more than I do.

So I’m setting a new challenge for myself: be better at rapping. Win battles not based solely on jokes and well-written material, but on presence, delivery, and all those other things that real rappers have.

I’m going to be honest. I have no doubt that I can do this. Despite how I may have sounded in this post, I am a very confident person. I’m also aware of my own weaknesses. And I strive to eliminate them.

I think that to be a good battler (or a good writer) you need to be both extremely cocky and extremely self-critical. Sometimes that’s a hard mix. But without both, I would never improve at anything.

As an author, I love listening to people’s stories and stealing the good ones. As a battle rapper, I appreciate a solid punchline. So a good story that ends with a punchline always gets me. I am going to tell you the best story-punch that I’ve ever heard.

Last September, my finacee Sarah and I took a two week trip around Spain. The coolest place we visited was, without question, Granada. The city was the last stronghold of the Moors on the continent, and it has some of the best remaining Islamic architecture in the world. The hills are dotted with caves where many Gypsies and their cats still live.

It is also the one place where you can buy Alhambra beer. There are three versions of this beer, and when you order it you never know which one you are going to get. One is a light beer that is 3% alcohol. The normal brew is 4 or 5%. Both come in dark brown bottles with paper labels.

Then there is the Alhambra 1925. It comes in an unlabelled green bottle. It is 6.8% alcohol. It is the good shit.

Sarah and I stayed on the hill, in Las Cuevas El Abanico. They are old Gypsy caves that have been fixed up and converted into hotel apartments. Our neighbours in the next cave over were a group of travellers from Northern Ireland – and one Brit. All fine people.

On our neighbours’ last night in Granada, we went to a bar in the medieval Muslim quarter of town. We sat at a table out in the plaza, drinking Alhambra 1925. To illustrate the beer’s potency: our Irish companions warned us about it.

After a few rounds the conversation turned to the subject of lesbians. One of our neighbours leaned back in his chair. He was a large quiet man with a cigarette burning in his right hand.

He said, “Aye. I have a story about lesbians.”

The last summer before leaving his hometown for university, he had briefly dated a girl. It didn’t go well and it ended quickly. After both of them were off at separate schools, rumors began to circulate around their friends back home that this girl was now dating another woman.

At this point in the story, our other Irish friends – and one Brit – were looking at the man with open mouths. In their decade of travelling together, he had never told this story before.

The man continued. Over Christmas break, everyone who had gone off to university and was home for the holidays arranged a meeting at the local pub. Word got around that the newfound lesbian was going to bring her girlfriend. Before she arrived, the man was taking a good amount of shit about turning her to the other side. Since he had been the last man to date her.

Then the door to the pub opened. The woman walked in, leading her girlfriend down the stairs by the hand. Everyone in the pub put down their beers and was silent.

It was another girl that the man had dated.

Someone he had gone out with years before and all but forgotten. Apparently, her and his most recent ex had met at university, completely by chance. They discovered that they both had dated this guy. It was a common subject that they could bond over. And bond they did.

The pub-goers that night had a very long laugh at the man’s expense. As did all of us sitting in the plaza, when he reached the twist.

This is the kind of story that I have to write as a blog post, because it’s not something I can work into my fiction. It would seem too contrived and unbelievable.

The true stories are always the best ones.

Flips. Rebuttals. Whatever you call them, they are more or less the last remaining element of spontaneity in rap battling. As a battler who has become known for my rebuttals, it’s a subject I feel qualified to speak about.

Here is the most recent battle from KOTD’s Grand Prix. Charron vs Lokust:

When this battle dropped yesterday, Charron asked me if I could make a comment about it. Not a full-fledged blog, just something short and honest. Well, this is going to be a full-fledged blog. And it will be honest.

I think that Lokust should have won this battle.

The Freestyling Double-Standard

The video above demonstrates a disturbing trend in KOTD. Crowds are reacting to flips and lines that are off the top not because they are dope, but because they are off the top. Any standard of quality disappears when it comes to rebuttals.

Here is one of Lokust’s written lines that got a loud reaction:

I heard Pat Stay wants to rape you and start kicking in your teeth
You won’t even drop your gloves to fight him cause they’re knitted to your sleeves

And here is Charron’s rebuttal, which got a much louder reaction:

I’m blazing you better, you’re the gayest contender
You say my mittens are stitched to my sleeve? It’s been that way forever
It’s only fair your sister keeps warm while giving me hand jobs during Canadian weather

One of these lines made sense, had a clever concept, was delivered well, and had a dope rhyme scheme and a relevant setup. The other one was Charron’s.

(I mean, how good would a hand job from a girl in mittens really feel?)

I can hear your reaction through the computer screen. Charron was freestyling. So when it comes to aspects of rapping like relevance and delivery, shouldn’t we give him a break?

Of course we shouldn’t. This is fucking war. If the US invades Switzerland, the Swiss are not going to get a break just because they don’t have an army. There is no mercy in a battle.

I don’t want to pick on Charron. So I’m going to use some examples of horrible flips that I myself have spit in order to make my point.

Does Bartone Really Look Like A Monkey?

My least favourite flip that I’ve done happened in the Bartone battle. He insinuated that I look like Ross from Friends, to which I replied:

You really think anything you said’s funny?
Calling me Ross, but you look like my pet monkey

I was saying that he looked like the monkey that Ross kept as a pet on the show. But does Bartone really resemble a monkey? Let’s take a look.

Other than the facial expression, there aren’t too many similarities. It was a terrible comparison. However, the setup made sense, the rhyme was decent enough, and I managed to use the same rhythm and cadence as the rest of my written verse, so it didn’t seem out of place.

Let’s move on to the worst-delivered flip I’ve ever done. In my battle with HFK, he did an inexplicable impression of Joe Pesci. My rebuttal was this:

I guarantee your bitch will fuck me
I’m like Henry Hill in Goodfellas, cause Joe Pesci I don’t think you’re funny

The setup line is horrendous. It barely even rhymes. Not to mention the fact that I completely butchered the delivery of the punch itself.

But even in the moment, I knew the setup was bad. I just didn’t have a good rhyme for “think you’re funny” (in retrospect, “drinking buddies” would have been perfect). So instead of adding 32 more multisyllabics to make myself seem cool, I kept the setup as short as possible. And as soon as I fucked up the flip I moved right back to my writtens.

There’s a reason that the single line rebuttal has become the predominant form of off-the-top shit in this battle format. It’s because it works the best. As these examples show, even a misguided, horrible, and pathetically delivered flip won’t derail your entire performance.

So long as you move past it quickly and make a smooth transition back to your verses.

Your opponent is going to be spitting lines that he had months to write and rehearse. If you’re really good, you might be able to think of one or two flips that are possibly better than those lines. But you’re not going to be able to freestyle a whole round that is better. Trust me.

The Exception to the Rule

As a counterpoint, here’s a Grind Time battle between Nocando and Wrekonize. It was also released this week.

You’ll notice that in the promo OT, Nocando does freestyle a whole round that is better than Wrekonize’s (mostly) written verse. (But props to Wrek for mentioning my name!)  Nocan pulls this off because he can freestyle with rhyme schemes, punchlines, delivery, and smoothness that match that of a written. And even then, he stumbles a bit at the end.

My point about freestyling in written battles is this: if you are not one of the top four freestylers on the fucking planet, don’t do it.

My Advice

This post is not intended to break Charron’s balls. He’s a good kid. He’s also one hundred times the battler I would have been at 17. For the record, here is my favourite line he spat against Lokust, which I think is excellent:

After having a child, he’s a responsible hillbilly and the happiest father
And doesn’t smoke cigarettes after sex, cause secondhand smoke is bad for his daughter

I like this line because it is an original, hilarious, and well-executed concept. Clearly Charron has talent. I want to see him develop this talent in the right ways and live up to his full potential.

As audience members, we should hold battlers accountable for the quality of their rapping. Don’t react just because you think someone is freestyling. Wait to hear if they actually say something dope, and say it in a dope way.

As battlers, we need to recognize that quality verses will (or should) get us the W. Is that flip you just thought of better than the written line it would replace? Because if it isn’t, then fuck it.

I remember a conversation I had in high school with one of my rocker friends, who genuinely wanted to understand why I liked rap music. He asked me what there was in rap that gave me the “Holy fuck” reaction he felt while listening to a face-shredding guitar solo. I answered: a truly dope line.

Although it was an MSN conversation, I’m pretty sure he looked at me like I was crazy.

But any rap fan knows that my answer was true. We have all jumped out of chairs and made silly facial expressions at something a rapper just said. Here is a list of some of my favourite such lines, ones I think you might not have heard before.

And if you have heard these, please join me in completely geeking out over them.

1. Ness Lee – “Roaring 20s”

I hang with my fellas, upper echelon players
Who live by the gun like they’re Megatron’s neighbours

Just. Wow. I don’t have to justify putting this first, because it’s fucking amazing. But what makes it even better is that on his follow-up mixtape, which dropped after the Transformers movie was released, Ness goes on to say:

Holla at your leader, tell him Ness is on
And he ain’t the big gun no more like Megatron

WHAT THE FUCK. He is, of course, referring to the fact that the movie changed Megatron’s non-robot form from a gigantic badass gun to some kind of jet thing.

I’m not sure that Ness Lee is actually allowed to be this good at rap. You should go to his MySpace page and buy his album before somebody finds out and makes him stop.

2. Passwurdz – “Hot Verse of the Week freestyle”

They say hip-hop is dead, laying in an open casket
Nah, it came back talking in an Oakland accent

You really need to watch the whole verse on YouTube to appreciate how good this line is. Just simple, to-the-point brilliance. Pass is one of the few rappers who I find fun to listen to.

3. Mac Lethal – “Crazy”

Good evening, I’ve arrived to clean your pill drawer out
And talk to birds like Kilgore Trout

You do know who Kilgore Trout is, right? And that he had conversations with his parrot named Bill? And that Kurt Vonnegut is my main influence and idol as an author? Good. Then you understand why this is one of my favourite lines ever.

(Bonus fact: Mac Lethal’s recent “Exhibit C” remix also has a Vonnegut line, as well as many other references to touch the hearts of book nerds like me.)

4. Plex Rock – “East Oakland Beast Freestyle”

I make white people trip
When I say shit like: my clips’ll leave Six Underground like the Sneaker Pimps

Hey, I’m a white person! And this line did indeed make me trip, perhaps because it references a song from the 90s that is totally rad, bro. So to Plex I say: well-played.

I heard a rumour that this song is on the Maneyak Mansion mixtape, which you can purchase on Plex’s MySpace.

5. Okwerdz – “First Strike”

Y’all suckers all duck us
We the new Shaw Brothers, mawfuckers

To give you some context, this song is on a Kung Fu-themed EP that features beats sampled from Jackie Chan movies (an EP that you can download for free). And if you don’t think rhyming “Shaw Brothers” with “mawfuckers” is awesome, you lead a sad and unfulfilling existence. I feel for you.

So there you have it. Making this list was fun; I’ll probably make more of them in the near future. In the meantime, share your own lesser-known favourites in the comments. They might just end up on my next list.